Andy and I always knew we wanted children, but since we were married young, I made it a point to wait until I knew I was ready to start that phase of our life. I naively thought that the first time we'd try we would be successful. After all, my mother never had trouble getting pregnant, in fact, we teased her that dad would walk by the end of the bed and she'd wake up pregnant.
We tried for 6 months and got a positive in January, 2011. A week later I miscarried.
At a follow-up doc appointment, we were told to wait a month to try again, but when I asked why, the doctor said there really wasn't a lot of research as to why, it was just a best practice. I'm inpatient, so I ignored the advice. After all, my body will do what it needs to do, right?
We got pregnant again that next month, and found out in March. We were overjoyed once we passed the 5 week, 6 week, 7 week mark and on. Since timing was difficult to determine, I had an early ultrasound and they confirmed everything looked good for the baby. However, they noticed a fairly large fibroid; a benign tumor-like growth inside my uterus. Fibroids run in the family on both sides but none of my female relatives had any problems during their pregnancies. I wasn't too concerned, but the docs said they would keep their eye on it, since they grow during pregnancy due to increased estrogen levels.
At 10 weeks, I started to bleed. A lot. I went to the ER and they said all looked fine, that it was considered an implantation bleed and I was put on elevated bed rest. For the next 10 weeks I had waves of heavy bleeding, sharp pains in my lower abdomen, doctor visits, ultrasounds, blood work, and sleepless nights full of worry. I had a few negative experiences with that doctor (he refused to have me seen by a specialist), and after a few nights of waking up from a cold sleep with a voice telling me I had to switch doctors I finally listened.
We tried for 6 months and got a positive in January, 2011. A week later I miscarried.
At a follow-up doc appointment, we were told to wait a month to try again, but when I asked why, the doctor said there really wasn't a lot of research as to why, it was just a best practice. I'm inpatient, so I ignored the advice. After all, my body will do what it needs to do, right?
We got pregnant again that next month, and found out in March. We were overjoyed once we passed the 5 week, 6 week, 7 week mark and on. Since timing was difficult to determine, I had an early ultrasound and they confirmed everything looked good for the baby. However, they noticed a fairly large fibroid; a benign tumor-like growth inside my uterus. Fibroids run in the family on both sides but none of my female relatives had any problems during their pregnancies. I wasn't too concerned, but the docs said they would keep their eye on it, since they grow during pregnancy due to increased estrogen levels.
At 10 weeks, I started to bleed. A lot. I went to the ER and they said all looked fine, that it was considered an implantation bleed and I was put on elevated bed rest. For the next 10 weeks I had waves of heavy bleeding, sharp pains in my lower abdomen, doctor visits, ultrasounds, blood work, and sleepless nights full of worry. I had a few negative experiences with that doctor (he refused to have me seen by a specialist), and after a few nights of waking up from a cold sleep with a voice telling me I had to switch doctors I finally listened.
At 23 and a 1/2 weeks I went to my first doctor's visit under the care of a recommended doc at a new hospital (Prentice Women's Hospital). Since I had my 20-week ultrasound at the previous doctors office and the techs had a hard time getting all the fetal measurements with the growing fibroid blocking the view, I had to re-do the ultrasound at 23.5 weeks with the new doc. The tech said everything looked great but we were left a little disappointed since the baby had the umbilical cord between its legs, so we still didn't know the sex. I met with the new doctor and after a few questions she became concerned when she saw the reading of amniotic fluid levels. They were way too low. They should be higher than 10 units and mine were less than 1. She sent me for a level two scan at the hospital and told me to "drink Lake Michigan" between her appt. and the next scan.
The level two scan brought my worst fears to reality. The specialists saw what they thought were signs of placenta accreta where the placental cells grow beyond the uterus and onto other organs like the bladder. There were a grouping of veins outside the placenta that didn't belong there which gave the docs much concern, and the fibroid was so large and so close to the placenta that it was impeding the growth of the fetus, and there were signs of fetal cell growth on the fibroid. They said that the baby was essentially suffocating and would not develop properly, and will most likely die within the next few weeks. No fluid could be added, that was not an option.
This was the choice I was faced with that no mother should ever have to be faced with: I could bleed to death due to the placenta accreta and the baby will likely die, or I could terminate in time to avoid prison; the Illinois law that states that it is illegal to terminate past 24 weeks. They even gave me an option of "buying" more time by going to Colorado to have the D&E, since they give women 26 weeks. As you can imagine, we were living a nightmare, faced with a merciless reality and only had 2 days to make a decision so that a team could be prepped for what I was told would very likely be a hysterectomy due to the placenta accreta. The baby kicked and turned all weekend reminding me of the little life I would never experience. I was living in hell. I prayed every moment I had even though I started hating God, I wept with family and friends, and at church that Sunday, I broke down. Each and every person in the pew came to console me--there was a line of people, some I'd never met, waiting to hug and console me that wrapped around the aisles. I'd never experienced that much love from so many people in my life. The encouragement and empathy helped me find the strength I needed to get through the next few days and beyond.
On Monday, I went back to the hospital for a two-day procedure. I demanded a final ultrasound to make sure all the prayers hadn't granted a miracle--a possibility that somehow the amniotic fluid came back. No such luck. The docs started with the dilation which took all afternoon. Then they put a needle through my swollen belly guided by ultrasound to find the baby's heart. My dear husband sang Amazing Grace in my ear and I tried my best to sing with him through tears. The kicking and gentle punching stopped. Forever. Our little girl took flight and became an angel in that moment. I still bear a scar where the needle was placed, forever reminding me of that moment when I became a childless mother.
The surgery was Tuesday, August 2, 2011. I went under knowing that there was a good chance I would come out without a uterus at age 31. They were going to do the best to save my uterus but safely do what needed to be done to save me. Three hours later I was woken up by my doctor. She repeated "Elena, wake up, we didn't have to give you a hysterectomy. We saved your uterus." Prayers had been answered. That little soul has a chance to come back to me someday. It just wasn't her time yet.
Six weeks later I had the giant fibroid removed through a c-section-like surgery. At the fullest size during pregnancy it was the size of a grapefruit.
Six weeks after that I was given a HSG to check for scarring on the uterine wall. No scars, even after the war that was waged inside. I was given a green light to start trying to get pregnant again. I was told if I wasn't pregnant by February 2012 to come to see a reproductive specialist to be treated for possible infertility. I gave myself more time than that, and in April after trying for 7 months, I decided to start the infertility work-up. Three blood draws and one semen analysis later, we were told there were no problems and to "keep at it."
In early June I got a positive! I had my first ultrasound at 8 weeks. We saw the little person and heard it's very healthy heartbeat. Life was very good again.
I started the genetic screening/testing process and on July 12 I went in for my 10-week blood work and ultrasound. The ultrasound was just to check in and see how the baby was doing. I was not with Andy at this appt. since I thought it wasn't all that necessary. I wish he was there to see what we both saw on the screen. My doctor moved the device to get a different angle and after spotting my baby, she spotted something else. I saw it too, and my heart sunk thinking it was the fibroid that grew back.
On Monday, I went back to the hospital for a two-day procedure. I demanded a final ultrasound to make sure all the prayers hadn't granted a miracle--a possibility that somehow the amniotic fluid came back. No such luck. The docs started with the dilation which took all afternoon. Then they put a needle through my swollen belly guided by ultrasound to find the baby's heart. My dear husband sang Amazing Grace in my ear and I tried my best to sing with him through tears. The kicking and gentle punching stopped. Forever. Our little girl took flight and became an angel in that moment. I still bear a scar where the needle was placed, forever reminding me of that moment when I became a childless mother.
The surgery was Tuesday, August 2, 2011. I went under knowing that there was a good chance I would come out without a uterus at age 31. They were going to do the best to save my uterus but safely do what needed to be done to save me. Three hours later I was woken up by my doctor. She repeated "Elena, wake up, we didn't have to give you a hysterectomy. We saved your uterus." Prayers had been answered. That little soul has a chance to come back to me someday. It just wasn't her time yet.
Six weeks later I had the giant fibroid removed through a c-section-like surgery. At the fullest size during pregnancy it was the size of a grapefruit.
Six weeks after that I was given a HSG to check for scarring on the uterine wall. No scars, even after the war that was waged inside. I was given a green light to start trying to get pregnant again. I was told if I wasn't pregnant by February 2012 to come to see a reproductive specialist to be treated for possible infertility. I gave myself more time than that, and in April after trying for 7 months, I decided to start the infertility work-up. Three blood draws and one semen analysis later, we were told there were no problems and to "keep at it."
In early June I got a positive! I had my first ultrasound at 8 weeks. We saw the little person and heard it's very healthy heartbeat. Life was very good again.
I started the genetic screening/testing process and on July 12 I went in for my 10-week blood work and ultrasound. The ultrasound was just to check in and see how the baby was doing. I was not with Andy at this appt. since I thought it wasn't all that necessary. I wish he was there to see what we both saw on the screen. My doctor moved the device to get a different angle and after spotting my baby, she spotted something else. I saw it too, and my heart sunk thinking it was the fibroid that grew back.
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| Baby A: 16 weeks |
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| Baby B: 16 weeks |
She pointed out that the two babies share a placenta and have their own amniotic sac, meaning that they are identical twins, which are not governed by genes. There is a .3% chance of births being identical twins, and no one knows how or why it happens. That's 3 in 1000 live births. This miracle was so on the nose I had to throw my head back and laugh at the God who's sense of humor will never cease to amaze me. Did my baby that I lost last year come back to me, but this time a wiser soul? I do believe she is back, and this time she brought her womb-mate, a soul-mate who will always be her best friend, her sister, her life partner. She will not be born alone and will not die alone. John Henry Newton's words from Amazing Grace now fill my ears without the sadness of last year's memory. She once was lost, and now she's found. Twice!
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| Baby A: 20 weeks |
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| Baby B: 20 weeks |
Elena, you and Andy are truly an inspiration! I am so blessed to have found you both in my life. I cannot wait to meet the girls. Thank you for sharing your deeply personal journey and your life perspective.
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